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June 25, 2013
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Title: Transformers: Old Soldier FIRST DRAFT Contest Entry
Universe: G1 (Pre-Earth)
Pairings: None
Rating: PG
Warnings: Violence, Non-canon character death
Author's Note: This is my (mostly) unedited first draft. The contest specified minimal editing, which was extremely difficult for me. While I don't think this is bad, it's not as refined as I'd normally post. In fact, there are two details which need work/editing. Hopefully, they're not as obvious to others as they are to me (since I'm super critical of my own work).


Smoke hung heavy over Praxus, obscuring optics and clogging vents. Here, the once proud city-state stood cracked and charred, covered in ash. The glorious crystals of the Helix Gardens, the pinnacle of Cybertronian art and beauty, lay shattered. Many of the civilians were gone, long since fled or dead. Those that remained had abandoned their civilian ways, forced into more militaristic roles.

Raising above the surrounding ruins, the burnt shell of the Assembly sat. Not so long ago, this building thrived, the center of all Praxian culture and business. Grand halls held concerts, games, presentations, assemblies, exhibits, any and all manner of art and technologies were gathered and displayed here. It was the heart of Praxus.

It was the first Decepticon target in Praxus.

The Assembly still stood. Mostly. One wing had collapsed. Windows had long since shattered under the bombardment. From several of the gaping holes, smoke trickled out. But it still stood, defiant.

From one collapsed wall, several mechs surveyed the city, both with their optics and sensors.

"Anyone have visual yet?" a gruff vocal asked.

"Negative. Signal reads as Autobot, though."

"I don't care. I ain't getting caught in another trap. Till we see who it is with our own optics, guns ready," the first vocal commanded.

The blips on their sensors moved closer. Weapons raised, the group crouched behind their cover, scanning for the incoming signals. In the distance, an explosion tore through a building. It collapsed with a thunderous boom. A couple of the group flinched, turning their weapons toward the sound.

"No distractions," the gruff one said.

A couple muttered, "Yes, sirs," answered him as they returned to their task.

A form moved in the smoke, then two. Guns hummed to life, focusing on the indistinct shapes. Fingers rested on triggers, waiting. Waiting. The two shapes resolved into bipedal forms. Each swept a firearm from side to side and above them. One carried a large arm-mounted cannon. The group tightened their weapon grips, each remembering the same infamous fusion cannon.

The two forms paused. The cannon-armed one called out, "This is Treads and Gaterunner. Autobot Division C-17. I know you're here. Please respond. We need assistance."

The gruff one threw a glance to one of his group. He whispered, "Perceptor?"

"The information provided does match with their available profiles and identifying features. Treads: tankformer, member of Division C-17, assigned to Praxus. Gaterunner: scout, member of-"

Their leader waved him to silence and nodded once in thanks. He called out, "That's far enough. Weapons up while we visually confirm your ident."

"Not a chance, until I know who I'm dealing with. No disrespect." Treads turned his arm cannon in the group's general direction. His companion followed suite.

The group's leader grunted. "Stalemate. Alright. But know this, any wrong moves and you're so much scrap." He stepped forward, clearing the haze. "Ironhide."

The three mechs, finally able to clearly see each other, ran visual scans and compared them to internal records of the others. The two newcomers visually relaxed.

"My apologies, sir," Treads said. "We had to be careful."

"Stow the 'sir' slag, and keep those weapons up. You think we're in some sort of banquet hall here?" Ironhide barked. "Any klik Decepticons could come back. Weapons and optics alert!" The large red mech motioned back to their hideout, continually scanning the terrain and the skies. Especially the skies. They hurried back.

Inside, the two newcomers briefly scanned and ran recognition programs on the others, a benefit of a computer "brain," rendering introductions superfluous. One of the mechs inside - a blue and white one the databanks identified as Jazz - smiled sardonically and said, "Welcome to the party."

Treads looked around the small room and its occupants. "We're looking for the forward command."

"You're looking at it," Ironhide said, still gazing over the city.

"What? This? Five mechs?" Treads gestured around them.

"Seven," Jazz piped up. "You're here now."

"We are what we are," Ironhide said. "We'll get the job done."

Treads rubbed his hand over his optics. "How are we going to fight back with fiv- seven mechs? This is the forward command. We should be the center of the offensive." When none of the others reacted to his words, he asked, "What's the plan?"

"We wait," Ironhide replied.

Treads turned to face the red mech. "Wait? You're not serious. There may only be seven of us, but we can still fight back. Ambush patrols. Snipe them. Anything. We need to fight."

Ironhide turned around. "Fighting will come when it's time. Now we wait."

"The Decepticons are scattered, like us. We should, we need, take advantage of that. We can go out, attack small groups, make a difference."

"How'd you find us?" Ironhide asked.

"We fell back to forward command."

"And we were here." The red mech gestured outside. "We leave, anyone else comes here and they won't find us. We need to regroup."

"Then, we send out small groups. Guerilla squads."

"And leave the others alone? To be ambushed? No. We wait."

"They were right," Treads muttered, barely audible.

"You say somethin'?" Ironhide crossed his arms.

Treads glared off to the side. "No."

"I'm not stupid. Explain yourself, now."

Treads sighed, looking back at the other. "I heard about you. People talk. They say you've fought in hundreds of battles, killed all kinds of Decepticons. More than almost anyone. A hero."

Ironhide shrugged the label off.

"They also call you an old soldier," Treads continued. "I didn't get that. I admit it. I looked up your record. You're certainly no sparkling, but you're not Alpha Trion either. We're not organic things that wither with age. But I understand now. You've been fighting too long, killing too long. You are old."

Ironhide strode forward, until he stood chestplate to chestplate with Treads. "It's not the fighting or the killing that makes us old. You ain't been here, on the field, long enough to know that. You-"

"Incoming energon signatures!" Perceptor interrupted. "Velocity and trajectory suggest ground-based units. Unable to calculate a specific number."

"Places!" Ironhide barked, returning to partial cover the collapsed wall provided. He brought his weapons to bear. Lowering his vocals, he said, "Autobot?"

"Unknown. Wait. Confirmed: possible four or five Autobot signals on approach."

"Wait till we see them," Ironhide said, mainly for the two newcomers benefit. Decepticons had hacked their sensor nets before, using forged signals to trick the Autobots into believing their comrades were approaching, only to find enemies instead.

The seven Autobots waited, weapons panning from side to side. Each strained their sensors. Their optics scanned the smoke, hoping to find a friendly face. The signals moved closer.

"Anyone there?" a voice called out through the smoke.

Ironhide held his hand up, stilling the others. "Identify yourselves!"

"Sweeper and crew. We're from the Praxus Sanitation Department. Who's there?"

Ironhide ran a data search of the Praxus files he had. Shaking his head, he grimaced. He had records on Autobot military personal, but not full civilian records. He glanced at the others, but they were equally perplexed. One hand still brandishing his weapon, the other gesturing to his companions to hold their positions, Ironhide stepped forward.

"Ironhide," the red mech called out as he moved clear of the Assembly building. "Come out slowly, weapons up."

"Alright. Don't shoot! We're coming out."

Picking their way through the rubble single-file, four bulky shapes approached. Ash and scorch marks all but obliterated their original colors and designs. The leader - his weapon raised, as promised - dwarfed the others, blocking them from view. He moved forward to stand before Ironhide. "I'm Sweeper. Is it just you here?"

"Later. Comm's down. I need some confirmation of who you are." Ironhide stood, calmly aiming his weapon at Sweeper's chest. "Who's Deputy Director of Sanitations in Praxus?"

"Of course," Sweeper said. He nodded, glancing over his shoulder at his companions. Turning back to Ironhide, he jabbed a quick strike at the red mech's gun. His companions scattered behind him, diving for cover. Shots followed them.

Ironhide twisted, using his weapon to deflect the blow. The massive Decepticon grabbed the firearm, struggling to yank it from Ironhide's grasp. Sweeper slammed it against the other's chest. Metal crunched under the blow. A voice cried out from the building.

"Down!"

Releasing his grip, Ironhide dropped. A heavy fusion blast tore into Sweeper's shoulder. The Decepticon stumbled back. Another blast took him in the chest. He opened fire on the Assembly, dropping Ironhide's firearm. A third blast struck his head. With a hole gaping through his helm, Sweeper fell to his knees. Ironhide swept up his weapon and sprayed several rounds into the Decepticon's chest. The massive mech toppled over.

Ironhide rose to a crouch, optics and weapon sweeping the immediate area. Arm cannon raised, Treads joined him. Machine gun fire ricocheted off them. Tracking the fire, they unleashed their weapons. A pained scream rewarded them. Ironhide jerked his head towards the Assembly. "Fall back to cover!"

"Negative!" Treads shouted over the weapon's fire. "Incoming signals! Fast! Seekers!"

"Slag!" Ironhide continued firing, targeting another hidden foe.

"They know we're here. The others are moving. We gotta go."

The Decepticon leaned out, shoulder-mounted missiles launching at them. The Autobots dived to the side. Debris exploded out from where they had stood moments before. Cannon raised, Treads fired a return blast. His target ducked back, out of the way. Pausing a moment, Ironhide aimed and opened fire. His shots flew over the Decepticon. With a ponderous groan, a heavy metal beam above the hidden mech gave under the assault. The wall and rubble the Decepticon hid behind collapsed, burying him.

Jazz ran up to them. "We got the others, but those Seekers are almost on us!"

Distant turbines rang through the ruins, the pitch sounding their rapid approach.

Ironhide shoved Treads towards a collapsed structure. He jerked his head for Jazz to the same building. The red mech raised his weapon skyward. "Take cover!"

"I can help!" Treads argued. He raised his cannon.

They turned their weapons to the crumbling building summits. The distant whine had resolved into an approaching thunder. Bursting over the tops of the buildings, three Seekers sped forth in a standard wing formation. They unleashed a volley of missiles. Ironhide and Treads returned fire, fusion blasts and bullets racing up. Farther away, Jazz reached out from his cover and joined the attack. Ironhide tracked the incoming missiles. Another volley followed.

"They're strafing!" he shouted, diving aside.

The volley impacted. The shockwave rolled over him, knocking him back. His sensors scrambled, overloaded. Debris pelted him. Ash and smoke blinded him. Ironhide regained his footing. Frantically rerouting his systems to bring them back online, he visually scanned the skies. Two Seekers swerved away, one trailing smoke. Another smoke trail arched down to street level, ending in a fiery mess. He grunted in satisfaction. Gazing through the smoky haze, the red mech spotted Jazz coming his way. His audios still at 12% functionality, he used hand signals, telling Jazz to check the others.

Ironhide moved forward, scanning visually and, as they restarted, with his sensors. He found his objective moments later. Grimacing, he knelt down. Treads lay, covered in ash and debris, vital fluids leaking from many, too many, wounds. His darkened optics did not react to Ironhide's presence. Slowly, his chassis faded in color, becoming the same grey as the ash that blanketed the city.

Ironhide lay a hand on the tankformer's shoulder. He continued their conversation from before. "It ain't the fighting or the killing that makes us old. It's the surviving."

This is my entry for Beta-Reader Match-Making: A Fan Fiction ContestMy tenure as Community Volunteer of Fan Fiction ends tomorrow, and I want to go out with a bang. So here's one more competition with prizes so you'll all remember me fondly!
A writer's best friend is another writer. Sometimes you just cannot objectively look over your own work and fix all your mistakes. You need a fresh pair of eyes to help you, and who better than someone else who understands the labors of love you're undertaking? That is where editors come in. But for many people, finding a literary helpmate can be difficult.
What's this about?
This is a two-part contest for writers of fan fiction. Phase One: Write a fan fiction but don't bother to proofread it. Post it in its raw, unedited first draft (just make sure it's still legible--correct your typos, at the very least). Phase Two: We play musical chairs with the stories and assign each of you another entry to edit. Entries will be judged by two categories: Best Diamond in the Rough (premise of the story
. The contest required we write a fairly unedited first draft, which was crazy hard for me. I'm constantly editing and rewriting as I'm writing. It's a never-ending process for me. It was purely by force of will I didn't go back and edit. I noticed one part where I mildly contradict myself, and another where my technology use isn't consistant or explained right. It needs more work ... but I didn't touch it. I'm just staring at it, doing nothing. :stare: I just hope it's not obvious.

Word count: 1934

For what it's worth, enjoy!

Transformers and all associated names are registered trademarks of Hasbro. My work is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro. All Hail Hasbro! :salute:
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:icondestiny58:
Destiny58 Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You got third place! Congratulations! XD
Reply
:iconsingingflames:
SingingFlames Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :hug:
Reply
:icondestiny58:
Destiny58 Sep 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wait... you got SECOND place!!! Even better!!!

You totally deserve it!!!!!
Reply
:iconcas42:
Wow... This was really good.

It reminded me of a mix of John Steakely's Armor and John Stalzi's The Forever War, perhaps just a hint of the more exciting bits of Heinlien's Starship Troopers Anyway it reads like very hard edge military sci-fi

I've been out of the Transformer's Universe since 'Beast Wars' finished, so this may be how they've changed the overall tone, but I really like the dark gritty edge you put on things.

-Cas
Reply
:iconsingingflames:
SingingFlames Aug 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Thank you. :)

I really tried for a militaristic Sci-Fi feel, and I'm glad it worked! I hadn't heard of either Steakely's or Stalzi's books, but they sound intriguing. I'll have to check those out.

I love Beast Wars! (Oddly enough, except for RPing, I've never written any fan fiction for it.) The IDW Transformers comics can get fairly gritty, but I really can't say the same for the shows. Sure, Prime had a few dark moments, but its lighter (sometimes humorous) moments outweighed those. I took a lot of inspiration from the IDW continuity for this piece (in fact, for most of my stories I do). Thanks again! :D

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:icondestiny58:
Destiny58 Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow. Just... wow.

I was assigned to this fic for the match-making contest, and I'll admit it: I know nothing about Transformers.

I feel like I've let you down. This is an exceptional story, exquisitely written, gritty in its description and detail... I could go on and on. And I really, really enjoyed reading it. But I can't improve it because I don't have access to all the background information that I would normally use to improve a draft. I really loved the ending and the characters, but I don't know how to make them better. This was already amazing when I received the link to it an hour ago.

I fixed a few homophone errors and tried to do the best I could, but you really have the grammar part down. I wish I could do more for this, because I know it's worth perfection. I haven't read many first-draft fan fics as good as this one. You did a wonderful job, and I can't do your story justice.


Aww, now I feel really bad. You're a great writer! Good luck in the contest! I suppose I'll send in my revised version, although I didn't change much of anything. I tweaked a few of the descriptions, added a few things here and there, but overall I didn't change much.

Best of luck to you, and I hope that you continue to write... you have true talent.
Reply
:iconsingingflames:
SingingFlames Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Aw, thank you! Please don't feel bad. You're kind words made me feel wonderful. As for those homophones, yes, sadly my beta reader will tell you that I usually mess up a few of those. No matter how many times I reread a draft, those things just sneak in there. I blame the typo gremlins. I really do know the difference between the many homophones, but I always have at least one (sometimes more) that I miss. Always. :grump:

Thank you for your work on it and the wonderful comments. I look forward to seeing it. :) And best of luck to you in the contest! :hug:

Reply
:icondestiny58:
Destiny58 Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! Yeah, the homophones get me, too Sweating a little... . You did a really nice job. Good luck to you, too! :clap:
Reply
:icondecadent-depraved:
Decadent-Depraved Jun 26, 2013  Student Writer
This is my new favorite of your fics. I'd never seen you write a story entirely from the Autobot's perspective, let alone one this serious. Your descriptions of the carnage and the scattered rubble reminded me of the War for Cybertron games, and I liked the uncertainty of the transformers emerging from the dustcloud while their teammates can only recognize them by their general shape. As far as I'm concerned, this is a great fic, and a little editing will make it perfect.

P.S. Poor Treads. He will never get a toy...
Reply
:iconsingingflames:
SingingFlames Jun 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Aw, thanks. :blush: I love the tragic aspect of Cybertron's past and fall. It's very moving. I ate up the games. I've been playing around with ideas for the pre-Earth war, and this just popped into my head. Correction, the end line popped into my head and then the rest of the story evolved from that. Ironhide seemed perfect for this. I was really trying to capture the feel of war, and why it'd wear anyone down. I'm so happy it worked! (You know how much I "love" writing action scenes. =P)

Yeah, I actually really liked Treads. How often do I write OCs, anyway? This is my first, I think. And this is what I did to him. :facepalm:

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